Things I'm pretty sure about. Today.

I just don’t have anything to say today.

That was the thought I had this morning, while I was lying in bed, thinking about the things that today needed to include. Besides dragging myself to the gym, I had promised myself to post a piece of writing here every Wednesday. For myself, and because it makes me feel connected to you people (I think there are a few others besides my mom, right?) and connection feels good. This morning, though, I started feeling like there was nothing to share. I wasn’t feeling super inspired. I was feeling kind of negative, and anxious. What does this sleepy, anxious person have to say, that could possibly matter? Not the best way to start the day, right? So I took a deep breath, and let my thoughts break up a little bit, and scattered them around in an even and gentle way. I learned things this week. I made things and I saw things. I don’t think they connect, but let’s see:

Inspiration can be borrowed. This last week I have been so proud of my friends for what they are doing. My best girl started a beautiful blog that makes me want to go run around in the sunshine and drink coffee while wearing a stylish poncho, while saving the Earth, and really, who doesn’t want to feel that way?  Another friend of mine started this fantastic dog walking and sitting company and it’s going so well. Another friend finished a half-marathon, and I can’t decide if I’m more impressed with that or the way she supports her community through her work in radio. Instead of feeling jealous or feeling bad about what I’m doing, I just grab some of their enthusiasm, and inspiration, and let it feed into mine. Know what I mean? I use my friends for inspiration all of the time. Strangers work well for this too. 

Give yourself a break. I get cranky when I’m hungry. I started carrying a granola bar with me wherever I go. Feel bad that I suddenly turn into a small child who needs a nap/bottle/diaper change? Nope. If you know that Thing A makes you unhappy, what’s something you can do immediately to fix it? Should I work on my ability to persevere through hungry and be more patient? Sure. You don’t have to become a better person all at once though. Do little stuff.  

Find a thing you can throw yourself into when needed. Sometimes the mind is moving too fast to “calm down, take a deep breath, blah blah”. Sometimes you have to tear around like a wild animal, right? Anyone else? This weekend I discovered that I can put my anxiety and “oh my god I’m going to freak. out!", into psychotically cleaning my house. And painting any and all things with white paint. Picture frames, a ladder, it all has to get painted. Manic sounding? Maybe? But it works, and I felt better afterwards. I have to wear myself out sometimes. Warning, this WILL scare the person you live with, if you happen to be cohabitating. Just tell them, with huge, bugged out eyes “I HAVE TO DO THIS” and they will leave you alone.

So that’s it. That’s what I have. But I have it, and it’s mine, and that’s what’s so nice about learning things. When you learn, that knowledge is yours now, they're tools, and for that, you’re better off than you were before.

What did we all learn this week? Speak up in the comments!

* thanks to Foxtail + Moss, Home Treat Home and E3 Radio for letting me borrow some of your inspiration today. 

Creative guilt, Part 2: You said WHAT?!

Wow. You are smart, readers. I posted a piece (blogged a post? wrote into the computer?) about creativity and how working in an uncreative field makes me feel like a failure sometimes, like I’m letting my true creative-self down. The main conclusion of my post, or my suggestion to me and anyone else who feels this pang of guilt, was to reject the idea that your job defines you, and to embrace the creative endeavors you want to embrace.

Decent ideas, sure, but when I read your responses I was just like “Oh…oh DANG!” because it turns out that a whole slew of people had a similar story, and the beautiful part was that everyone had a different perspective, which makes me feel like there is a conversation that needs to happen around this. Therefore, let’s chat. And by chat I do mean on the computer, in the comment boxes below. Let me give you some examples of what I’ve learned from you thus far:

Creative professionals feel creative guilt too.

Shocking, I know! A few brilliant and creative people who actually make a living on their creative know-how said that sometimes they feel guilty for creating work that’s “too commercial” or that by the end of the day, after putting their creative energy into making things for other people, they’re too drained by to think about creating something  personally.

Creativity needs to be welcomed into your life.

One reader suggested that we allow creativity “in the home of your day, make a little room for your creativity to live in. and then go in, visit, have some tea with it, dance around with it, yell as loud as you can out the window with it…” Thanks, poetic reader! I love this idea though, of welcoming creativity into your life and committing to let it stay. Knowing that you have invited this thing in, and to feel the pull that it creates, but to feel it in a peaceful way. Move into my spare bedroom, creativity.

Your job does not define you, but neither do your hobbies.

Someone made this comment and it really struck me. You don't need to be defined by anything. Your creative expression is this practice of curating your life in a way that you want. YES! You express your creativity through your style of clothing, or the way you make your lunch every day. Not huge things, but if you take a step back, it’s amazing. You, just as you are, being yourself, now and always. It’s this amazing work of art, honestly and you're the only one who can make it.

If I could sum up your responses so far, it’s that this whole creative guilt thing is a result of perspective. It’s so relative, and it’s something that we could probably turn into a positive thing instead.

What else? I would love, love, LOVE for you all to see each other’s ideas here. Honestly, the night after I posted the last piece, I was reading emails and comments from people and like, bouncing around the house because I felt like we were all on the same page. And isn’t that the best feeling, really?  So tell me what you do to bring creativity into your life, challenges you find, what you’re working on, etc. TELL ME ALL OF THE THINGS PLEASE.

xoxox

Alexis

Creative guilt v. cat scarves

Let's say there is a creative thing you’re drawn to like painting or making clay pots or knitting tiny scarves for cats. Let's say you're not doing this thing, or you're not doing it as much as you'd like, and that “not doing” is eating you up? You could call that creative guilt.

Feeling like you're letting your creative, dream-self down? It’s the pits, you guys.

I totally fight with myself on this all of the time, especially with my job.  It’s not fulfilling my desires to create beautiful things and collaborate with people on said things and help children learn or start a goat farm (those are my dreams, yes, what of it?).  Guess what desire it does fulfill? My desire to pay my rent and not worry about grocery shopping and to feel like a productive being.  Having been on the other side of this fulfillment, I can tell you, it can bring you down, man. Don't discount those basic desires. They're pretty fulfilling too.

Oh, but the creative guilt! It’s so mean.  I see friends who are making it in their chosen creative field and I feel like I failed.

Here’s a thought I had today, whilst attempting to leave the personal pity party I was attending: What about turning the guilt around and just admitting that we’re searching and hungry? Hungry to express ourselves, to talk to other people about whatever it is our art is, and feel like we belong in that conversation. There’s a lot of snobbery in the world of art and creativity I think, like your art isn’t art because it’s not something enough. Ugh. Shut up with that garbage.

 Or, if I spend 45 hours a week at an accounting firm, staring at a computer, and only 4 hours a week (or less) on wood working and doing an hour or two of writing, then I’m not an artist, or a writer, or a woodworker. I think that the challenge is not defining ourselves simply by what we’re doing most of the time. No, I’m not a professional wood worker. Why? Because my income does not come from woodworking, not because I suck at it. I do it though, right? And that's GOOD becuase if I stopped doing it because I felt like "oh, well I'm not legit, I don't commit myself to it 100% of time", then I wouldn't be doing it AT ALL.

I guess my point is that, I’m going to stop worrying that there’s this unfulfilled creative person living inside my corporate routine that hates me. I’m going to try to accept that I can be a person who isn’t defined by their job, and that attacking my free time with creativity sounds kind of scary yet amazing.  Honestly, go sing in the shower, write the words down when you get out, and head to work. Tomorrow, maybe you sing it again. Next weekend, you ask a friend to play the guitar while you sing it because why not? Just don’t stop. If you decide to dedicate your life to your creative practice then I am in full support and I think you’re fantastic, but it’s not like “quit your job and be creative” or “keep job, never be creative” are the only options for everyone.

Creativity is a journey, which is an overused word but I really like it. Creating art is a journey and it shouldn’t be another opportunity to tell yourself you can’t, because you have a boring office job or you’re too young or you’re too old. Just stop.

So lay off yourself and go figure out what it is you want. Make a birdhouse or write a play or sing songs about your dog or paint portraits of your friends.  Just make sure you do it. Shove a sock in the mouth of guilt and inadequacy and get on with it. Oh, and then please tell me what happened because I’m really excited just thinking about it.

I went into a meat coma and I was sad : Memorial Day.

I slept for 13 hours last night after eating a whole lot of meat on Memorial Day. I don't usually eat massive amounts of ribs because it kind of freaks me out, but I was going for it yesterday, and the results were coma inducing. Along with the meat coma, I felt really sad, and then I felt fat for eating like an animal, and then I got sad about my dog being at my parents house until July and then I felt dumb because I had overdrawn my checking account again, and before I knew it, I was under the covers, hiding from the world. Perhaps I needed to be alone, under the covers, recovering from a long weekend. Maybe I needed some alone time. But it felt more like hiding from a full out freak out. Sometimes, when I feel like that, I can't do those things that I tell myself I need to do when I'm freaking out. Take a walk! Draw! Write about it! Take a bubble bath! Bake bread! Those options came to mind, but taking off my pants and diving under my covers won, hands down. And I felt so bad about it when I woke up! I mean, 13 hours?! What the hell, lady?! I could have done so many things in those 13 hours. I mean, even 6 of those hours could have been used for things and I could have slept for the other 7. Blah. Also, during this moment of feeling like crap, I felt super lonely. And like I needed lots of hugs. But the weird thing is, when I woke up, I felt like it was good that I had been alone because maybe I just needed to be alone, half sleeping and half thinking and dreaming for a while. I have no clue why, or if my body just had a negative reaction to BBQ, but either way, the only option is to accept it. Maybe I wasted a bunch of time. But maybe I needed it. Either way, here we are, it's Tuesday, and I'm in the office, and I'm not in bed, and I am not feeling lonely as shit, and I have not eaten my weight in ribs today so it is a fresh start for things like feeling healthy and productive. I feel like I'm trying to deal with two things a lot lately: feeling anxious, or sad or frustrated and, and then not beating myself up about it. That's the harder part, I feel. Because then, you're feeling bad, and then you're making yourself feel bad for feeling that way. That's not very nice. So ok, I felt like shit yesterday, and I don't know why, but there's no reason to dwell on it. I'm working on figuring out why I feel like I do when I do, and the last thing I need to be doing is beating myself up over it. So instead,  maybe find someone to give you lots of hugs or embrace being alone and quiet for a little while. Or just borrow a friend's dog, because honestly you guys, they are so good at hugs, in my experience. Just don't be mean to yourself. We can't have that.
xoxoxoxo

You're good.

How's everyone feeling? Perfect? Beach body ready for the waves, feeling financially secure and prepared for your summer plans, travels, or, my favorite, the unexpected expenses that seem to appear during my favorite time of year (hello new air conditioner, I can't live with thee). Applying for a new job every night after work, after your workout, and before you fold all of your laundry neatly in your closet? So is that a no then? Dangit. Me neither.
As summer approaches, and I get ready to move in with my very lovely partner in crime, and go to weddings that have been in the works for months, and to head out on a few little trips here and there, I can't help but be a little disappointed. I was going to be in shape for these weddings I'm in and for the shorts I want to wear, and I was going to solve the mystery that is my wide array of insecurities before I move in with my boyfriend, and I was definitely going to have saved way more money than I have so far. For things like air conditioners and bridesmaids dresses. The thing is, though, that this is one summer. There will be a fall after that, and then it will be winter again. Each season, holding us accountable, and giving us a reason to feel like we're behind. I'm turning 30 in September. I thought I would be married by now. And have a kid or two. Or at least own a dresser and stop overdrafting my checking account. In the last week though, as I hear about people getting new jobs, losing jobs, getting married, breaking up, losing weight, gaining weight, falling in love, having babies, and dogs, and cars and cars breaking down, and parents getting sick, I realize that we're all in different places. No one has it all together. Listening to the conversations of people passing in the street, there's always someone who is in a situation that I couldn't imagine. Maybe they can't imagine mine. The point here is, I don't think this is a scavenger hunt, where we need all of the pieces to complete the puzzle. It's not a task. Yes, there are tasks, yes, goals are good. You know what I don't think is good though? Comparing yourself to other people. Looking down on people or looking down on yourself. You're where you are, and maybe it's not the best, but you've been through stuff before, and you survived, and you will survive again, exceed your own expectations maybe. I have trouble with this. I have yet to stop comparing myself to certain skinny girls for whom I have created a perfect life story to go along with their bodies. I feel better knowing that I'm aware of it. So I can kind of smack it in the face when it comes along. Not the skinny girl, my insecurities, silly! You can't dwell on what you're doing wrong all of the time. At some point, you need to really understand how good you are in the place you're in. It doesn't have to be where you are in a week or in a year, but it's still you now, and you're beautiful in all of your different stages, in one way or the other. Okay? I'm serious here. You're real good stuff.

xoxoxox Alexis

Annoying Zen stuff that seems to be helpful

I don't know what it is, but I have an aversion to things like tie-dyed pillows with jingle bell tassels that say "be here now". Or "be present" or "breathe". When I see them I get a bad taste in my mouth and I make ugly faces that you shouldn't make in public. I have no control of my facial expressions ever, in any situation.
Recently, I realized two things: one, I don't have to study Buddhism in it's entirety to learn something from it and two, everyone takes different things away from Buddhist ideas and mantras and that's fine. I was taking the "popularized Buddhism" and notions of a peace-loving free spirit and only seeing the most annoying, characterized iteration of it. Does that make sense? I wasn't marching around, all "down with the hippies" but I was kind of lumping what I thought Buddhism was, and perhaps how some "super Zen-like" people can be super pesky, how I really don't like Phish, into one big negative pile.
It was surprising to me when I came across the phrase "be here now" and it just hit me at the right time in the right place while I was looking for something to quiet my mind and help me let go of worry. No joke, I rolled my eyes, at myself, in the mirror. Multiple days in a row. "Hey, be here now, maaaaaan" was something I said to myself in a surfer dude voice. I was mocking myself? Yah. I was super uncomfortable with taking something seriously that I had scoffed at for so long. Once I stopped thinking that that phrase belongs on yarn art in a yoga studio (love yoga, not hatin!), I started bringing it to mind when I realized I wasn't being very present, aka, was worrying about the past or the future. Or freaking out. Or full-on losing my shit. All situations are applicable. So here's what happened:

1. I started to realize I was feeling anxious about the past or the future, immediate or far off.
2. I would say my little "be here now" mantra to myself.
3. I would look around and notice all of the things I liked about the present and what was around me.
4. Deep breaths, concentrating on the present, repeat.
5. Repeat as needed.

This has been really  helpful for the last week or so. I wouldn't say that this replaces professional help for things like depression, or will solve all of your problems, but it could be supplementary, right? I'm not entirely floating around in a bubble of happiness, but I feel a whole lot more peaceful. And peace feels nice.
xoxoxox
Alexis

Hello, I am insecure, thanks for inviting me.

I was thinking today about all of the things that I try to get over or stop myself from getting mad about or accept that I don't like. I come up with plans and mantras that will allow me to get over it. Break ups and mistakes and fights and failures and that one thing you said at the party last weekend that was so damn embarrassing and now everyone you were trying to impress knows that you're just as insecure as you actually are. Gross.
These are things that get stuck in our brains like little splinters, and become insanely irritating. This happened to me lately. I got so upset about a situation, and since I don't like sitting around wallowing in my anger, I came up with plans to attack my insecurities head on. It didn't work. I went to a party and someone was there that made me very, very uncomfortable. I wanted to back slowly into the bathroom and flush myself down the toilet because I felt so uncomfortable. But that wasn't the plan! The plan was to be wildy secure in the knowledge that I am amazing and beautiful and that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is no one to lose your shit over, and no one there gives too much of a crap about me being there and that it would be over in a few short hours! Oh man, I was so  mentally prepared. Unfortunately, walking up the concrete steps to the party, I felt like I was walking into my first day of classes at a new school. I remember that day, in 5th grade, starting school in a new state, where I didn't have any friends, and my Midwest accent sounded about as out of place as I felt. That was almost 20 years ago though. I'm a woman now, damnit! I don't want to feel like a scared little kid. I did though. I wanted a giant bird to swoop me up in it's wings and fly me home. I honestly did. My imagination gets wild with I feel insecure. Hence the plan where I flush myself down the toilet.

The next day, after I got out of bed and ate cookies for breakfast because life is hard, I started thinking about the night before. And by thinking, I mean beating myself up. Ugh, I said stupid things!, I thought to myself. Crap, I must have looked so insecure. Who wants to be with someone who isn't confident in the face of stupid, horribly typical insecurities like ex-girlfriends?! Whyyyyyyyy....!!! (more cookie eating, more fist shaking at the heavens, more dramatic stomping around apartment, etc.)
OH WAIT. Everyone's insecure, and it's usually about the typical things. Right? I don't get insecure thinking about how I poach eggs, or how clean my toilet is. Musically speaking, my insecurities are not "that one band only three people have heard of, and they may just like it ironically". My insecurities are like, The Beatles. I get insecure when I feel fat or when I hear the name of a girl I don't like. I mean, basic shit over here. How we look, what we say, how we come across, how competent we are in comparison to other people, etc. Did I say stupid things? Well sure. I do that every day though, and I haven't lost any friends over it yet. Did I look insecure? Maybe. So what? I was insecure. Now people will know I'm not a robot. Insecurity is annoying to me, especially when I can't talk myself out of it. However, after this weekend, I realized a couple of things. Sometimes, you can't talk yourself out of an insecurity. Sometimes you just have to say "Holy shit, this makes me feel lame", but try to stop yourself right there, instead of spiraling into a full on freak out (I am working on this part. I freak out easily). You never look as bad as you think, you never sound as silly as you sound in your head, and most of the time, the people around you that don't love you and adore all of your sparkly little quirks, those people probably aren't paying attention to you.They have their own insecurities to worry about.

I could tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, and NONE OF THAT MATTERS unless you agree, at least a little bit. Give yourself some credit. You get up every day and talk to people and make it through a whole bunch of situations that only you are prepared to deal with. You're super great at being you and you look very yourself while you're doing it. That's beautiful. Go with that. Stomp right into a room of people who you think don't like you. Go in and talk to the boss who makes you feel stupid. Take the insecurities with you, but leave them just outside the door. You can pick them up on your way out if you want to, but you may be surprised to see that sometimes, they leave without you.

xoxoxoxoox Alexis

my anger is a dirty pigeon wing.

There is a nasty dead pigeon on the sidewalk near my house. I have passed it every day for a week now, and every time I come upon it, it takes me by surprise, I have a little freak out situation where I make weird grossed-out noises and do a very awkward walk/dance around the carcass. As soon as I pass it, I recover from my repulsion until the next day.
So...what? So while I am walking I do some of my best thinking, and lately I've been getting mad about stuff and I HATE being mad. It feels like something I am not good at, like sports that involve coordination or video games that also involve coordination. I just feel uncomfortable when I'm mad. I get weirded out by it. I feel as awkward and embarressed as I did walking down the hallways in middle school. I just want it to go away. I want to step around it. And like the nasty old pigeon wing, I forget about it as soon as the feeling passes, until the next time, when I again have no clue how to deal with it.
As I was walking I decided to follow the analogy to it's (hopefully) logical end. Where does that take me and the pigeon wing and my anger? If the pigeon wing symbolizes the trigger to my anger, then I should be moving it out of the way, and putting it in the trash can like a grown up human being would? Do I ignore it? Do I stare at it until I am not grossed out by it anymore? I don't know. In my experience, you cannot simply move the thing that makes you angry out of your way. Say, if you were mad at a person. You do not get to "remove" them because that is illegal and you are not in the Mafia. Ignoring things usually backfires on me as well. Staring my anger in the face seems like a good idea to do once or twice, but to continually do so seems like a one-way ticket to losing your marbles.
My conclusion: take deep breathes and find a confident and graceful way to step boldly past the damn thing. Sometimes beautiful things that turn ugly are the things that upset us the most. I am in no way saying that getting mad is wrong. I think we need to feel alright about being angry. I just know that, for me, I feel much better when I figure out a way to deal with it. Wallowing in it? No thank you. Sounds nasty. Out of my way, dead pigeon.

i was very busy, being a disaster

Where have I been for the last few weeks, you may ask? I have been super busy making mistakes, just for you! Not really, but I have been moving, and finding out my new place doesn't take dogs, and getting really mad because they originally said I could and then I had to move again and throw money all around like a person with loads of money, because moving is expensive you guys! So I've been doing lots of thinking, mostly of the "wtf is wrong with me, I'm such a dummy, what am I doing with a dog anyway, she's a total jerk anyway, I just want to go live on a farm where things are cheap and raise goats and have babies". Not a rational thought process, but that's the beauty of freaking out-you don't have to make a lick of sense.
Having stuff kind of blow up in your face is, I think, a great opportunity to remember what's important. Yes, it's hard when, at the end of the day, the only positive statement you can make about the day is "well, I'm not dead". That's rough, but it's true, right? You made it through the day. Maybe you're so broke it feels slightly dangerous, or you got in a screaming fight with some you love and feel like there's no way to fix it. That's when I stop and, after stomping around the house and shrieking into my pillow  I remember that we are in control of so little, and that you just have to try your best and hope things work, because it has before, and at the end of the day, remember that you're still alive. Even if you're paying for everything with nickels, and your dog ate the down comforter and your new shoes, and somebody stole your laundry out of the laundry room (no, I'm serious, this has been a doozy of a month) you're still doing you, and absolutely no one else can do that or stop you.
Let's vacuum up the feathers, throw out the obliterated shoes, cook up some ramen noodles and get on with it, shall we?
xo

no doubt

No Doubt is a band that I was very into in middle school. It has also become somewhat of a goal. Not having doubt. Like, when someone says “I love you”, I would like to think to myself  “Yeah! No doubt!” and when someone tells me I look pretty, I wish I could just high five them and yell “Hey, no doubt!” (somehow without sounding cocky?) or when someone tells me that going back to school was a really good move and that I should be proud of myself, I want to agree wholeheartedly and exude confidence. Instead, sometimes I feel like saying “Really? Huh.”

I doubt the crap out of stuff. I’ve been reading about this whole “I totally doubt myself” thing, and everything I’ve found makes me feel like an even bigger loser. I do not like associating the words “insecure” with myself. Ew. I mean, no one likes insecure people! Isn’t “clingy” like the worst thing you can be in a relationship? And aren’t people, whether its friends or colleuges, more drawn to confident people, who think everything they’re doing is the coolest? I'm wondering if maybe everyone feels doubt, but some people let it take over and some don't? I'm thinking that might be the case.

I think we’ve all had this experience. It happens at work, with friends, with people you’re smooching with on a long or short term level, and it stinks. It makes me feel dumb and that’s got to be one of my least favorite feelings. So I’m trying, along with not apologizing for things I don’t need to apologize for, and not letting every little thing worry me, to deal with this doubt thing. Here’s my thought though: you might always have a little doubt in the back of your mind, and you can bring it out when you’re questioning things, but if it’s not helpful, like it’s making you think people that love you really don’t, or that you’re not beautiful when in fact you are a gorgeous and lovely individual, you need to put it away. Being vulnerable is good, doubting yourself, seems bad. I’m sure there is a more scientific way to deal with this (like hypnosis, which I found today while googling) but I’m just going to try telling my doubts to shut up and leave me alone. I will doubt my doubts. It will be meta.

Anyone else have any suggestions for dealing with doubts? Tell me! I will sing No Doubt songs to you in return.

Leave It, or, How to Stopping Beating Dead Horses

"Leave it" is what my dog trainer told me to tell my dog when she is holding something in her mouth, like a shoe, or something else I would rather she not be nomming on. It's one of the only commands that I've succeeded in teaching her. She still eats my pillows while I'm in the shower, and devours phone chargers while I make dinner, but if I'm looking directly at her while she attempts to feast upon my belongings, "leave it" works, about 90% of the time. There is a lesson here. I swear this isn't going to become a blog about my dog. The rest of my life if completely filled up with that wild beast, thankyouverymuch. Out of my blog, dog. The point is that there's a whole lot of crap that I think we need to just leave. 

Here's an example. Let's just say you are totally annoyed with something someone in your life does. Your girlfriend hangs out with her ex way too often, let's say, once every 3 months. The nerve. Or maybe your friend loves to talk about work. Always. Or your roommate thinks soaking dishes is acceptable and you think that is foul and insane. Whatever it is, someone is doing something that is annoying, or, in your opinion, total bullshit. Now, you still want them in your life, right? Okay, check, so we're not getting rid of this person. Have you voiced your opinion? "Hey, I hate your dumb ex, simply because you once dated. Please refrain from ever being around her/his gross self". That reasonable argument did not work? Ugh. Okay. So now you have something that you do not like, that is happening, that is apparently going to keep happening. Now, this is the really annoying part. You just have to leave it. Drop it. No, you do not get to drop catty comments every time your roommate sets all of the plates in the sink overnight for a long soak. To clarify, if there is a situation that you think needs to be addressed, like, is there something more to these bi-monthly hangouts between your gf/bf and their ex? Is your friend a selfish jerk? Once you've ruled out those kinds of "oh hell no" possibilities, THAT would be the time to move on. The thing is, once you've made a commitment to accept something about someone, or about a situation, you have to leave it alone. It's part of acceptance. Unfortunately. 

I am so, so bad at this!! That's an understatement. I am awful at letting something go. "Dead horse beater" is a hobby I list on my resume. Just ask anyone who has tried to brush off an argument that we are clearly still in the middle of. Good luck, buddy! Or my brother- I love him, but that man drives me crazy. I feel like I do an awful job of just accepting him for who his is. I don't want to be that way though. I want to be able to let things just roll off me, and not care anymore. I may not feel like I'm in the wrong, but I know the thing that's bothering me doesn't matter in the long run.

Kind of feels like you're admitting defeat, right? "Giving up" isn't necessarily celebrated in most circles. It's about choosing battles though, and I think that some battles are more exhausting then they're worth. If it isn't the biggest deal, maybe we can just say "I have no more shits to give about that" or something equally as eloquent, and move on. 
I'm going to try that this week. It's already Wednesday, so I've given myself a head start. Clearly, we want to remain concerned about things that need our concern, like work and school and our health and ohmygod there are so many things to be concerned about, I think knocking a few off the list might even be relieving! I will report back. If you try this and it works/fails, please let me know in the comments below. 

Gotta run, dog has gotten her head stuck between the fridge and the oven again. Again! Crazy girl doesn't know when to "leave it" sometimes.

Home Alone

Anyone else got the flu? Dudes, this thing is so much fun, no? It's a little dangerous and edgy, because you're like, "I'm absolutely dying, but I'm just going to spend my last few hours of life in bed." Bad. Ass. I think I might have the flu, or I did, because I just slept, off and on, for about 24 hours. While I was alternating between fever nightmares and yelling things to my dog like "ohmygod will you please just snuggle with me right now what is wrong with you??", I realized something: I really, truly do not like being alone.

I have known this about myself for a while. I think it's important to ask, "Why don't I like being alone" and "What can I do about it", etc. Don't get me wrong, I like alone time, but I only need a few hours of it, every once and awhile. Maybe when I have kids I will read this and laugh and say "Oh you silly child, how little you knew", as my kid is chewing on my arm while I try to feed myself. For now though, I just don't need it too often. I am so inside my head on the train, at work, at night, while I'm in the shower, that the rest of the time, I don't necessarily want to be alone with my thoughts. Ya know? It's noisy in this here head!

When I was younger, maybe early 20s, I didn't like being alone so I always had a boyfriend. I had some lovely boyfriends, but I don't think I necessarily needed to date them all. I think I just didn't want to be alone. That's one thing I've sorted out- finally separating "being alone" from "being single". Yes! (Side note: I think it's good to look back on realizations and epiphanies from the past. It's kind of a reminder that you have good ideas, and that you're always growing. Ya?)

So, in the midst of my NyQuil induced stupor I bring you this message: You're not actually alone. Don't worry; I didn't trick you into reading my blog to drop religion on you now. Wouldn't that be funny!! Haha! I just mean that, sometimes we're doing things that are so involved, or are physically alone, maybe because we're sick, or on a business trip, or alone in a new city (which is so scary, I've done it many times). Regardless, you feel lonely. Like I said, I'm real bad at being alone, but I'm working on it. When I'm lonely I try to get out of the house, or take a walk because then I see other people and stuff and dogs and kids and I feel a part of something. Sometimes I write people letters. Honestly, pretending helps me a lot, so, this will sound weird, but when I feel lonely I pretend I'm a famous writer who has to take a hiatus to the Swiss Alps to get away from it all....I'm serious. That helps me. 

In all honesty, being alone feels so definite, but it won't last forever. You'll be surrounded by friends, lovers, strangers and crazies again soon. So remember that, and do stuff now that you can't do when you're surrounded by people. Like talk to yourself and get naked. Or whatever makes you happy. I never talk to myself in the nude. That's insane :)

xo

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

photo by arianna palazzi- http://ariannapalazzi.tumblr.com/

Trying to be a little less apologetic

If you do something shitty, saying that you're sorry is appropriate. If you hurt someone, physically or emotionally, definitely apologize. Pretty basic stuff. My problem lies more in overly apologizing. If I say something I think is stupid, I apologize to the person who had to hear me say such a dumb thing. I apologize for being confused. I apologize for not being happier. I apologize for being too happy. Why? Why do we do this? What do I really mean when I say I'm sorry?

Here's an example. I messed up my goal of not drinking for a month a few nights ago. I also had a little setback with my goal of quitting smoking. I didn't drink for 2 weeks, then got all "Live everyday like it's your last!" and proceeded to drink my dinner and smoke cigarettes. I wanted to apologize to everyone I had talked to in the last two weeks, everyone I had told about my goals. My boyfriend came over and I did some sweet "lay on floor and burst into tears about godknowswhat*" moves. This, my friends, did not make me feel good. The first thing I said the next morning was "I'm so sorry I was crying". "Don't apologize!", says my boyfriend. "You act like I'm going to wake up and not love you anymore, because you cried". Well, yeah... honestly, that is kind of what I think sometimes. I think that if I screw one thing up, or perhaps a handful of things, everyone, especially those closest to me, will be mad. Or disappointed. Usually they're not, though. Honestly.

Aren't we just apologizing to ourselves in these situations?  I am mad that I smoked a cigarette. I'm annoyed with myself for drinking. I'm embarrassed about crying over nothing. Did I hurt anyone else? Did I do something crappy to anyone, other than myself? Not really. It's like I want everyone to know that I feel guilty. That I know I should feel guilty. Don't worry everyone, I feel bad about myself, just like I know you think I should! Is that what I'm thinking? Dear self, that sounds crazy, even to me. Be nicer to yourself! Jeez!

So, in the spirit of making mistakes, I'm going to try something new, when I make a mistake. I'm not going to apologize. Unless I hurt someone, I don't need to apologize. If I want to, I could tell people how I'm disappointed in something I did, and that I'm bummed about it, but it's not really necessary to apologize, and get down on yourself in some dumb, destructive way. Right? I don't know, but I'm trying it. I will let you know how that works out. In the meantime, I'm going to be over here, trying my best, and not beating myself about every little thing, and saving "I'm sorry" for the serious mistakes.

xo

*It may have been a response to a particularly heart-wrenching Google Chrome commercial. Maybe?

Talk like no one is listening.

Do you talk to yourself? Good news! When children in the 3 to 5 age range talk to themselves, it's referred to as "self-talk", which I think sounds much less crazy than "talking to yourself". It is something that psychologists have observed in children who are in the beginning stages of developing their language skills, and apparently it's really beneficial. Self-talk helps kids form connections with others and connections between words and thoughts, in their minds. There's a lot more to it, but all I heard when I read this was "It is fine to talk to yourself, Alexis".

I talk to myself at home, SO MUCH. Sometimes I'm just explaining, out loud, how to follow a recipe, while cooking. It helps me. Sometimes, it is giving a very thorough and hilarious interview on "Ellen" discussing all of the amazing ways that I'm helping underprivileged children, and then I'm really cool and calm when she's all "hey, Ryan Gosling and the President are here to tell you how much they admire your work" and I'm all "wow, that's great, I'm honored". That is something that happens. Or an Oscar acceptance speech. Or a killer interview. Is it weird that I'm doing, crazed one-woman monologues in my kitchen while I make coffee? Or pretending that I'm making Morgan Freeman laugh super hard at my great jokes while I paint my nails?

Instead of feeling like a craze-o about this, I think it's good for me. Talking ideas out with someone is wonderful, but there's always a little hesitation, right? You inadvertanly will monitor yourself to some degree. Writing your feelings and thoughts down is great too, but for me, I can say what I'm thinking with more clarity than I can write it. So, perhaps self-talk is good for little kids in developing their communication skills, and it  helps us grown-ups sort out all of the conversations that are running around in our heads. Additionally, if you have really great responses to celebrity interviews that will probably never happen, this is a great opportunity.

Pro-tip: Need to talk to yourself, but don't live alone, and don't think your roommate/mate/dog cares to hear you ramble on? Fake phone convos, my friend. I have 'em all the time. Hold phone up to ear, and proceed to rant to yourself on the go. At the grocery store? Tell your ex why he sucks. On the train? Great time to practice telling the Academy how much you appreciate their support.

Note: Talking to other people is really good too. If you're sad and lonely, and talking to yourself feels sad and lonely, call someone who loves you. Or even someone who is moderately fond of you. Selfishly blather on, knowing that they have done the same thing at one point or another. Moral of the story is, you have things rattling around in that head of yours, and you've got to get them out there. So have a heart to heart with yourself. You're pretty fun to talk to.

xo

Oops.

So it's day 11 of the new year and I woke up, feeling outstanding. I had made it through a particularly annoying evening of cigarette cravings, and had arisen victorious. I met by boyfriend for coffee. Things were great. I was drinking my coffee, thinking about the day ahead...Oh no. The day ahead. I don't want to finish that project at work. And then tonight. It's Friday, and I'm not drinking? Or smoking? That's annoying. What am I going to do, take another 43 pictures of my dog, like I did last night. Ugh!! Also, why is my boyfriend not paying attention to me? Stop looking at your phone, dude! Am I boring? I think my face looks dumb today...This, my friends, is what the start of a melt down in my head sounds like. It sounds nuts, and it comes on as quickly as a strong wind, ripping through a peaceful afternoon picnic. Screw your picnic, I am on a warpath.
Feeling unhinged, having a meltdown, or, as some people call it, totally losing your shit and going cray, is never a good feeling. I find it to all too common when I am trying to reach a goal, such as quitting something I like, starting something I don't like, or attempting to change my attitude towards something. I'm cruising along, feeling like, yeah, things are alright and I am totally in control and then BOOM. No, I am not in control, yes, I feel like a coo-coo bird.
As I hate this feeling and how long it takes to build myself back up after this kind of loss of confidence/foothold on reality, I have decided to try something new. I will be coining it as the "Oops Method". Let me explain: When my sister was a baby, and learning to feed herself, she would drop her spoon on the floor quite often. Her fat little baby hands were not totally sure about the whole "grasp and hold on" technique of utensil usage.When she would drop her spoon, which was hopefully covered in nasty baby yams or peas, (sick!) we would say "Oops!" and hand it back to her. I mean, I think we washed it first? Over time, she started saying "Oops!" and then throwing her spoon on the floor. And then giggling hysterically, yams dribbling down her face. Cute. Either way, "oops" was a way to dismiss a behavior. We said it to let her know that, while you don't want to drop your spoon, it's OK, we're going to hand it back every time. She used it as a "Hey my people, I'm going to drop this spoon and you're not going to be mad, k?". A little misguided, but who cares. Babies aren't known for their smarts.
My point: I find that, after realizing that I have totally or partially lost my grip on my goals or have flipped my shit over something that may or may not matter, saying "oops" helps. It is a way to acknowledge that I've lost my cool a little, but that it's OK. I can pick it back up. No one's mad at me. I take a deep breath, take a minute, and start over.
This has been working for me. Today. So far. It's just an idea. It might not work for you, but when I find something that works for me, it seems selfish not to share it. So, have your meltdown, throw your spoons, and then pick them back up and stroll on.

xo

Sticking with my goal is boring me.

Beginnings are exciting. The start of a road trip, for example, is the best time. Home is in the rear view mirror and your destination is a perfect dream in your mind, just up ahead. The perfect road trip mix has just started, and you love every song. You take that first sip of coffee and smile at the open road. 

The start of a race, the start of your birthday party, the start of a test. That moment, just after you start, feeling beautiful and fresh. I want to talk about that feeling that comes right after the initial joy of starting something. That feeling where you realize that you are in it. You're in it, and it is no longer new. You're doing that thing you wanted to do. You started that blog you have always meant to start, and now, now you're stumped about what to write. You're 2 hours into your road trip and you are quite done with that Taylor Swift song you thought you loved (stop judging me), but maybe you just loved it ironically, and now quite literally hate it. The coffee is gone and you need to find a rest stop, pronto. The open road now looks daunting, and you start checking the map to see if there's a way to shorten this thing up. It's the part of the race where you wonder if this might be a good time to start walking. It is not a beautiful feeling, and it doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I hate that feeling.

I just started this whole "not drinking for a month" and "quitting smoking" and "working out and eating healthy" thing. I will tell you that, 8 days ago, at the beginning of this journey, in the midst of an epiphany about my mind/body connection, high on yoga and fresh air and deep breathing and tea drinking, I was so excited. I had actually started something I had been thinking about for forever. I felt so much clarity. That was 8 days ago. Today, I am sitting here with a sore back from a back bend that my bod was not quite ready for, and a strong desire for a cigarette and a healthy sized glass of red wine. Yum. 

That point in any goal where you've started doing it, but the excitement of doing it has warn off? That is a dangerous point, I think. What do you do? I'm not an expert here, just a 29 year old woman on a mission to make this year different and better than the ones before. So these are a few ideas I've come up, in the last few days, for sticking with my goals.
  

• Write that good stuff down. All of the good feelings you felt, even if they're sort of muted now that you're in the thick of it. There still in your mind somewhere. i.e. I feel strong when I workout, I feel more confident when I don't accidentally text my crappy ex late at night, etc. I read these when I'm feeling especially blah. It helps me, so maybe it will help you? Eh?

•  Don't beat yourself up. You screw up, it happens. Get back on the proverbial pony. Every day is a new day, thank GOD.

•  Rewards. I love, love LOVE presents. It is to the point where, if someone has, say, a stick of gum? If they start off with "I have a present for you", and then give me the gum, I am delighted. Even if you're not a selfish little present troll like me, you can apply the same concept. Tell yourself that if you stick to whatever goal you have for yourself, for, say, a week, then you will do something nice for yourself. Even if it's just drinking cocoa in a really hot shower . Anyone else do that? Or take yourself to lunch. For me, not drinking and smoking is really saving me a lot of money. In the future, saving that money would be great. For now, in the interest of motivating myself, I buy myself presents. New shirt looks better than a hangover. That's one of the "cool" new mantras I've made for myself.

So, if you're in the boring part of a goal, like me, hang in there kitten in a tree. It sucks, I know. But just think of how you felt before you started. Good for you for getting started. That's half the battle. The other half is actually staying in the battle, and if we're able to do that, we can pretty much take over the world. 

xo