I went into a meat coma and I was sad : Memorial Day.

I slept for 13 hours last night after eating a whole lot of meat on Memorial Day. I don't usually eat massive amounts of ribs because it kind of freaks me out, but I was going for it yesterday, and the results were coma inducing. Along with the meat coma, I felt really sad, and then I felt fat for eating like an animal, and then I got sad about my dog being at my parents house until July and then I felt dumb because I had overdrawn my checking account again, and before I knew it, I was under the covers, hiding from the world. Perhaps I needed to be alone, under the covers, recovering from a long weekend. Maybe I needed some alone time. But it felt more like hiding from a full out freak out. Sometimes, when I feel like that, I can't do those things that I tell myself I need to do when I'm freaking out. Take a walk! Draw! Write about it! Take a bubble bath! Bake bread! Those options came to mind, but taking off my pants and diving under my covers won, hands down. And I felt so bad about it when I woke up! I mean, 13 hours?! What the hell, lady?! I could have done so many things in those 13 hours. I mean, even 6 of those hours could have been used for things and I could have slept for the other 7. Blah. Also, during this moment of feeling like crap, I felt super lonely. And like I needed lots of hugs. But the weird thing is, when I woke up, I felt like it was good that I had been alone because maybe I just needed to be alone, half sleeping and half thinking and dreaming for a while. I have no clue why, or if my body just had a negative reaction to BBQ, but either way, the only option is to accept it. Maybe I wasted a bunch of time. But maybe I needed it. Either way, here we are, it's Tuesday, and I'm in the office, and I'm not in bed, and I am not feeling lonely as shit, and I have not eaten my weight in ribs today so it is a fresh start for things like feeling healthy and productive. I feel like I'm trying to deal with two things a lot lately: feeling anxious, or sad or frustrated and, and then not beating myself up about it. That's the harder part, I feel. Because then, you're feeling bad, and then you're making yourself feel bad for feeling that way. That's not very nice. So ok, I felt like shit yesterday, and I don't know why, but there's no reason to dwell on it. I'm working on figuring out why I feel like I do when I do, and the last thing I need to be doing is beating myself up over it. So instead,  maybe find someone to give you lots of hugs or embrace being alone and quiet for a little while. Or just borrow a friend's dog, because honestly you guys, they are so good at hugs, in my experience. Just don't be mean to yourself. We can't have that.
xoxoxoxo

You're good.

How's everyone feeling? Perfect? Beach body ready for the waves, feeling financially secure and prepared for your summer plans, travels, or, my favorite, the unexpected expenses that seem to appear during my favorite time of year (hello new air conditioner, I can't live with thee). Applying for a new job every night after work, after your workout, and before you fold all of your laundry neatly in your closet? So is that a no then? Dangit. Me neither.
As summer approaches, and I get ready to move in with my very lovely partner in crime, and go to weddings that have been in the works for months, and to head out on a few little trips here and there, I can't help but be a little disappointed. I was going to be in shape for these weddings I'm in and for the shorts I want to wear, and I was going to solve the mystery that is my wide array of insecurities before I move in with my boyfriend, and I was definitely going to have saved way more money than I have so far. For things like air conditioners and bridesmaids dresses. The thing is, though, that this is one summer. There will be a fall after that, and then it will be winter again. Each season, holding us accountable, and giving us a reason to feel like we're behind. I'm turning 30 in September. I thought I would be married by now. And have a kid or two. Or at least own a dresser and stop overdrafting my checking account. In the last week though, as I hear about people getting new jobs, losing jobs, getting married, breaking up, losing weight, gaining weight, falling in love, having babies, and dogs, and cars and cars breaking down, and parents getting sick, I realize that we're all in different places. No one has it all together. Listening to the conversations of people passing in the street, there's always someone who is in a situation that I couldn't imagine. Maybe they can't imagine mine. The point here is, I don't think this is a scavenger hunt, where we need all of the pieces to complete the puzzle. It's not a task. Yes, there are tasks, yes, goals are good. You know what I don't think is good though? Comparing yourself to other people. Looking down on people or looking down on yourself. You're where you are, and maybe it's not the best, but you've been through stuff before, and you survived, and you will survive again, exceed your own expectations maybe. I have trouble with this. I have yet to stop comparing myself to certain skinny girls for whom I have created a perfect life story to go along with their bodies. I feel better knowing that I'm aware of it. So I can kind of smack it in the face when it comes along. Not the skinny girl, my insecurities, silly! You can't dwell on what you're doing wrong all of the time. At some point, you need to really understand how good you are in the place you're in. It doesn't have to be where you are in a week or in a year, but it's still you now, and you're beautiful in all of your different stages, in one way or the other. Okay? I'm serious here. You're real good stuff.

xoxoxox Alexis

Annoying Zen stuff that seems to be helpful

I don't know what it is, but I have an aversion to things like tie-dyed pillows with jingle bell tassels that say "be here now". Or "be present" or "breathe". When I see them I get a bad taste in my mouth and I make ugly faces that you shouldn't make in public. I have no control of my facial expressions ever, in any situation.
Recently, I realized two things: one, I don't have to study Buddhism in it's entirety to learn something from it and two, everyone takes different things away from Buddhist ideas and mantras and that's fine. I was taking the "popularized Buddhism" and notions of a peace-loving free spirit and only seeing the most annoying, characterized iteration of it. Does that make sense? I wasn't marching around, all "down with the hippies" but I was kind of lumping what I thought Buddhism was, and perhaps how some "super Zen-like" people can be super pesky, how I really don't like Phish, into one big negative pile.
It was surprising to me when I came across the phrase "be here now" and it just hit me at the right time in the right place while I was looking for something to quiet my mind and help me let go of worry. No joke, I rolled my eyes, at myself, in the mirror. Multiple days in a row. "Hey, be here now, maaaaaan" was something I said to myself in a surfer dude voice. I was mocking myself? Yah. I was super uncomfortable with taking something seriously that I had scoffed at for so long. Once I stopped thinking that that phrase belongs on yarn art in a yoga studio (love yoga, not hatin!), I started bringing it to mind when I realized I wasn't being very present, aka, was worrying about the past or the future. Or freaking out. Or full-on losing my shit. All situations are applicable. So here's what happened:

1. I started to realize I was feeling anxious about the past or the future, immediate or far off.
2. I would say my little "be here now" mantra to myself.
3. I would look around and notice all of the things I liked about the present and what was around me.
4. Deep breaths, concentrating on the present, repeat.
5. Repeat as needed.

This has been really  helpful for the last week or so. I wouldn't say that this replaces professional help for things like depression, or will solve all of your problems, but it could be supplementary, right? I'm not entirely floating around in a bubble of happiness, but I feel a whole lot more peaceful. And peace feels nice.
xoxoxox
Alexis