Hello, I am insecure, thanks for inviting me.

I was thinking today about all of the things that I try to get over or stop myself from getting mad about or accept that I don't like. I come up with plans and mantras that will allow me to get over it. Break ups and mistakes and fights and failures and that one thing you said at the party last weekend that was so damn embarrassing and now everyone you were trying to impress knows that you're just as insecure as you actually are. Gross.
These are things that get stuck in our brains like little splinters, and become insanely irritating. This happened to me lately. I got so upset about a situation, and since I don't like sitting around wallowing in my anger, I came up with plans to attack my insecurities head on. It didn't work. I went to a party and someone was there that made me very, very uncomfortable. I wanted to back slowly into the bathroom and flush myself down the toilet because I felt so uncomfortable. But that wasn't the plan! The plan was to be wildy secure in the knowledge that I am amazing and beautiful and that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is no one to lose your shit over, and no one there gives too much of a crap about me being there and that it would be over in a few short hours! Oh man, I was so  mentally prepared. Unfortunately, walking up the concrete steps to the party, I felt like I was walking into my first day of classes at a new school. I remember that day, in 5th grade, starting school in a new state, where I didn't have any friends, and my Midwest accent sounded about as out of place as I felt. That was almost 20 years ago though. I'm a woman now, damnit! I don't want to feel like a scared little kid. I did though. I wanted a giant bird to swoop me up in it's wings and fly me home. I honestly did. My imagination gets wild with I feel insecure. Hence the plan where I flush myself down the toilet.

The next day, after I got out of bed and ate cookies for breakfast because life is hard, I started thinking about the night before. And by thinking, I mean beating myself up. Ugh, I said stupid things!, I thought to myself. Crap, I must have looked so insecure. Who wants to be with someone who isn't confident in the face of stupid, horribly typical insecurities like ex-girlfriends?! Whyyyyyyyy....!!! (more cookie eating, more fist shaking at the heavens, more dramatic stomping around apartment, etc.)
OH WAIT. Everyone's insecure, and it's usually about the typical things. Right? I don't get insecure thinking about how I poach eggs, or how clean my toilet is. Musically speaking, my insecurities are not "that one band only three people have heard of, and they may just like it ironically". My insecurities are like, The Beatles. I get insecure when I feel fat or when I hear the name of a girl I don't like. I mean, basic shit over here. How we look, what we say, how we come across, how competent we are in comparison to other people, etc. Did I say stupid things? Well sure. I do that every day though, and I haven't lost any friends over it yet. Did I look insecure? Maybe. So what? I was insecure. Now people will know I'm not a robot. Insecurity is annoying to me, especially when I can't talk myself out of it. However, after this weekend, I realized a couple of things. Sometimes, you can't talk yourself out of an insecurity. Sometimes you just have to say "Holy shit, this makes me feel lame", but try to stop yourself right there, instead of spiraling into a full on freak out (I am working on this part. I freak out easily). You never look as bad as you think, you never sound as silly as you sound in your head, and most of the time, the people around you that don't love you and adore all of your sparkly little quirks, those people probably aren't paying attention to you.They have their own insecurities to worry about.

I could tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, and NONE OF THAT MATTERS unless you agree, at least a little bit. Give yourself some credit. You get up every day and talk to people and make it through a whole bunch of situations that only you are prepared to deal with. You're super great at being you and you look very yourself while you're doing it. That's beautiful. Go with that. Stomp right into a room of people who you think don't like you. Go in and talk to the boss who makes you feel stupid. Take the insecurities with you, but leave them just outside the door. You can pick them up on your way out if you want to, but you may be surprised to see that sometimes, they leave without you.

xoxoxoxoox Alexis

my anger is a dirty pigeon wing.

There is a nasty dead pigeon on the sidewalk near my house. I have passed it every day for a week now, and every time I come upon it, it takes me by surprise, I have a little freak out situation where I make weird grossed-out noises and do a very awkward walk/dance around the carcass. As soon as I pass it, I recover from my repulsion until the next day.
So...what? So while I am walking I do some of my best thinking, and lately I've been getting mad about stuff and I HATE being mad. It feels like something I am not good at, like sports that involve coordination or video games that also involve coordination. I just feel uncomfortable when I'm mad. I get weirded out by it. I feel as awkward and embarressed as I did walking down the hallways in middle school. I just want it to go away. I want to step around it. And like the nasty old pigeon wing, I forget about it as soon as the feeling passes, until the next time, when I again have no clue how to deal with it.
As I was walking I decided to follow the analogy to it's (hopefully) logical end. Where does that take me and the pigeon wing and my anger? If the pigeon wing symbolizes the trigger to my anger, then I should be moving it out of the way, and putting it in the trash can like a grown up human being would? Do I ignore it? Do I stare at it until I am not grossed out by it anymore? I don't know. In my experience, you cannot simply move the thing that makes you angry out of your way. Say, if you were mad at a person. You do not get to "remove" them because that is illegal and you are not in the Mafia. Ignoring things usually backfires on me as well. Staring my anger in the face seems like a good idea to do once or twice, but to continually do so seems like a one-way ticket to losing your marbles.
My conclusion: take deep breathes and find a confident and graceful way to step boldly past the damn thing. Sometimes beautiful things that turn ugly are the things that upset us the most. I am in no way saying that getting mad is wrong. I think we need to feel alright about being angry. I just know that, for me, I feel much better when I figure out a way to deal with it. Wallowing in it? No thank you. Sounds nasty. Out of my way, dead pigeon.