Things I'm pretty sure about. Today.

I just don’t have anything to say today.

That was the thought I had this morning, while I was lying in bed, thinking about the things that today needed to include. Besides dragging myself to the gym, I had promised myself to post a piece of writing here every Wednesday. For myself, and because it makes me feel connected to you people (I think there are a few others besides my mom, right?) and connection feels good. This morning, though, I started feeling like there was nothing to share. I wasn’t feeling super inspired. I was feeling kind of negative, and anxious. What does this sleepy, anxious person have to say, that could possibly matter? Not the best way to start the day, right? So I took a deep breath, and let my thoughts break up a little bit, and scattered them around in an even and gentle way. I learned things this week. I made things and I saw things. I don’t think they connect, but let’s see:

Inspiration can be borrowed. This last week I have been so proud of my friends for what they are doing. My best girl started a beautiful blog that makes me want to go run around in the sunshine and drink coffee while wearing a stylish poncho, while saving the Earth, and really, who doesn’t want to feel that way?  Another friend of mine started this fantastic dog walking and sitting company and it’s going so well. Another friend finished a half-marathon, and I can’t decide if I’m more impressed with that or the way she supports her community through her work in radio. Instead of feeling jealous or feeling bad about what I’m doing, I just grab some of their enthusiasm, and inspiration, and let it feed into mine. Know what I mean? I use my friends for inspiration all of the time. Strangers work well for this too. 

Give yourself a break. I get cranky when I’m hungry. I started carrying a granola bar with me wherever I go. Feel bad that I suddenly turn into a small child who needs a nap/bottle/diaper change? Nope. If you know that Thing A makes you unhappy, what’s something you can do immediately to fix it? Should I work on my ability to persevere through hungry and be more patient? Sure. You don’t have to become a better person all at once though. Do little stuff.  

Find a thing you can throw yourself into when needed. Sometimes the mind is moving too fast to “calm down, take a deep breath, blah blah”. Sometimes you have to tear around like a wild animal, right? Anyone else? This weekend I discovered that I can put my anxiety and “oh my god I’m going to freak. out!", into psychotically cleaning my house. And painting any and all things with white paint. Picture frames, a ladder, it all has to get painted. Manic sounding? Maybe? But it works, and I felt better afterwards. I have to wear myself out sometimes. Warning, this WILL scare the person you live with, if you happen to be cohabitating. Just tell them, with huge, bugged out eyes “I HAVE TO DO THIS” and they will leave you alone.

So that’s it. That’s what I have. But I have it, and it’s mine, and that’s what’s so nice about learning things. When you learn, that knowledge is yours now, they're tools, and for that, you’re better off than you were before.

What did we all learn this week? Speak up in the comments!

* thanks to Foxtail + Moss, Home Treat Home and E3 Radio for letting me borrow some of your inspiration today. 

Leave It, or, How to Stopping Beating Dead Horses

"Leave it" is what my dog trainer told me to tell my dog when she is holding something in her mouth, like a shoe, or something else I would rather she not be nomming on. It's one of the only commands that I've succeeded in teaching her. She still eats my pillows while I'm in the shower, and devours phone chargers while I make dinner, but if I'm looking directly at her while she attempts to feast upon my belongings, "leave it" works, about 90% of the time. There is a lesson here. I swear this isn't going to become a blog about my dog. The rest of my life if completely filled up with that wild beast, thankyouverymuch. Out of my blog, dog. The point is that there's a whole lot of crap that I think we need to just leave. 

Here's an example. Let's just say you are totally annoyed with something someone in your life does. Your girlfriend hangs out with her ex way too often, let's say, once every 3 months. The nerve. Or maybe your friend loves to talk about work. Always. Or your roommate thinks soaking dishes is acceptable and you think that is foul and insane. Whatever it is, someone is doing something that is annoying, or, in your opinion, total bullshit. Now, you still want them in your life, right? Okay, check, so we're not getting rid of this person. Have you voiced your opinion? "Hey, I hate your dumb ex, simply because you once dated. Please refrain from ever being around her/his gross self". That reasonable argument did not work? Ugh. Okay. So now you have something that you do not like, that is happening, that is apparently going to keep happening. Now, this is the really annoying part. You just have to leave it. Drop it. No, you do not get to drop catty comments every time your roommate sets all of the plates in the sink overnight for a long soak. To clarify, if there is a situation that you think needs to be addressed, like, is there something more to these bi-monthly hangouts between your gf/bf and their ex? Is your friend a selfish jerk? Once you've ruled out those kinds of "oh hell no" possibilities, THAT would be the time to move on. The thing is, once you've made a commitment to accept something about someone, or about a situation, you have to leave it alone. It's part of acceptance. Unfortunately. 

I am so, so bad at this!! That's an understatement. I am awful at letting something go. "Dead horse beater" is a hobby I list on my resume. Just ask anyone who has tried to brush off an argument that we are clearly still in the middle of. Good luck, buddy! Or my brother- I love him, but that man drives me crazy. I feel like I do an awful job of just accepting him for who his is. I don't want to be that way though. I want to be able to let things just roll off me, and not care anymore. I may not feel like I'm in the wrong, but I know the thing that's bothering me doesn't matter in the long run.

Kind of feels like you're admitting defeat, right? "Giving up" isn't necessarily celebrated in most circles. It's about choosing battles though, and I think that some battles are more exhausting then they're worth. If it isn't the biggest deal, maybe we can just say "I have no more shits to give about that" or something equally as eloquent, and move on. 
I'm going to try that this week. It's already Wednesday, so I've given myself a head start. Clearly, we want to remain concerned about things that need our concern, like work and school and our health and ohmygod there are so many things to be concerned about, I think knocking a few off the list might even be relieving! I will report back. If you try this and it works/fails, please let me know in the comments below. 

Gotta run, dog has gotten her head stuck between the fridge and the oven again. Again! Crazy girl doesn't know when to "leave it" sometimes.

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

photo by arianna palazzi- http://ariannapalazzi.tumblr.com/

Trying to be a little less apologetic

If you do something shitty, saying that you're sorry is appropriate. If you hurt someone, physically or emotionally, definitely apologize. Pretty basic stuff. My problem lies more in overly apologizing. If I say something I think is stupid, I apologize to the person who had to hear me say such a dumb thing. I apologize for being confused. I apologize for not being happier. I apologize for being too happy. Why? Why do we do this? What do I really mean when I say I'm sorry?

Here's an example. I messed up my goal of not drinking for a month a few nights ago. I also had a little setback with my goal of quitting smoking. I didn't drink for 2 weeks, then got all "Live everyday like it's your last!" and proceeded to drink my dinner and smoke cigarettes. I wanted to apologize to everyone I had talked to in the last two weeks, everyone I had told about my goals. My boyfriend came over and I did some sweet "lay on floor and burst into tears about godknowswhat*" moves. This, my friends, did not make me feel good. The first thing I said the next morning was "I'm so sorry I was crying". "Don't apologize!", says my boyfriend. "You act like I'm going to wake up and not love you anymore, because you cried". Well, yeah... honestly, that is kind of what I think sometimes. I think that if I screw one thing up, or perhaps a handful of things, everyone, especially those closest to me, will be mad. Or disappointed. Usually they're not, though. Honestly.

Aren't we just apologizing to ourselves in these situations?  I am mad that I smoked a cigarette. I'm annoyed with myself for drinking. I'm embarrassed about crying over nothing. Did I hurt anyone else? Did I do something crappy to anyone, other than myself? Not really. It's like I want everyone to know that I feel guilty. That I know I should feel guilty. Don't worry everyone, I feel bad about myself, just like I know you think I should! Is that what I'm thinking? Dear self, that sounds crazy, even to me. Be nicer to yourself! Jeez!

So, in the spirit of making mistakes, I'm going to try something new, when I make a mistake. I'm not going to apologize. Unless I hurt someone, I don't need to apologize. If I want to, I could tell people how I'm disappointed in something I did, and that I'm bummed about it, but it's not really necessary to apologize, and get down on yourself in some dumb, destructive way. Right? I don't know, but I'm trying it. I will let you know how that works out. In the meantime, I'm going to be over here, trying my best, and not beating myself about every little thing, and saving "I'm sorry" for the serious mistakes.

xo

*It may have been a response to a particularly heart-wrenching Google Chrome commercial. Maybe?

Oops.

So it's day 11 of the new year and I woke up, feeling outstanding. I had made it through a particularly annoying evening of cigarette cravings, and had arisen victorious. I met by boyfriend for coffee. Things were great. I was drinking my coffee, thinking about the day ahead...Oh no. The day ahead. I don't want to finish that project at work. And then tonight. It's Friday, and I'm not drinking? Or smoking? That's annoying. What am I going to do, take another 43 pictures of my dog, like I did last night. Ugh!! Also, why is my boyfriend not paying attention to me? Stop looking at your phone, dude! Am I boring? I think my face looks dumb today...This, my friends, is what the start of a melt down in my head sounds like. It sounds nuts, and it comes on as quickly as a strong wind, ripping through a peaceful afternoon picnic. Screw your picnic, I am on a warpath.
Feeling unhinged, having a meltdown, or, as some people call it, totally losing your shit and going cray, is never a good feeling. I find it to all too common when I am trying to reach a goal, such as quitting something I like, starting something I don't like, or attempting to change my attitude towards something. I'm cruising along, feeling like, yeah, things are alright and I am totally in control and then BOOM. No, I am not in control, yes, I feel like a coo-coo bird.
As I hate this feeling and how long it takes to build myself back up after this kind of loss of confidence/foothold on reality, I have decided to try something new. I will be coining it as the "Oops Method". Let me explain: When my sister was a baby, and learning to feed herself, she would drop her spoon on the floor quite often. Her fat little baby hands were not totally sure about the whole "grasp and hold on" technique of utensil usage.When she would drop her spoon, which was hopefully covered in nasty baby yams or peas, (sick!) we would say "Oops!" and hand it back to her. I mean, I think we washed it first? Over time, she started saying "Oops!" and then throwing her spoon on the floor. And then giggling hysterically, yams dribbling down her face. Cute. Either way, "oops" was a way to dismiss a behavior. We said it to let her know that, while you don't want to drop your spoon, it's OK, we're going to hand it back every time. She used it as a "Hey my people, I'm going to drop this spoon and you're not going to be mad, k?". A little misguided, but who cares. Babies aren't known for their smarts.
My point: I find that, after realizing that I have totally or partially lost my grip on my goals or have flipped my shit over something that may or may not matter, saying "oops" helps. It is a way to acknowledge that I've lost my cool a little, but that it's OK. I can pick it back up. No one's mad at me. I take a deep breath, take a minute, and start over.
This has been working for me. Today. So far. It's just an idea. It might not work for you, but when I find something that works for me, it seems selfish not to share it. So, have your meltdown, throw your spoons, and then pick them back up and stroll on.

xo