Home Alone

Anyone else got the flu? Dudes, this thing is so much fun, no? It's a little dangerous and edgy, because you're like, "I'm absolutely dying, but I'm just going to spend my last few hours of life in bed." Bad. Ass. I think I might have the flu, or I did, because I just slept, off and on, for about 24 hours. While I was alternating between fever nightmares and yelling things to my dog like "ohmygod will you please just snuggle with me right now what is wrong with you??", I realized something: I really, truly do not like being alone.

I have known this about myself for a while. I think it's important to ask, "Why don't I like being alone" and "What can I do about it", etc. Don't get me wrong, I like alone time, but I only need a few hours of it, every once and awhile. Maybe when I have kids I will read this and laugh and say "Oh you silly child, how little you knew", as my kid is chewing on my arm while I try to feed myself. For now though, I just don't need it too often. I am so inside my head on the train, at work, at night, while I'm in the shower, that the rest of the time, I don't necessarily want to be alone with my thoughts. Ya know? It's noisy in this here head!

When I was younger, maybe early 20s, I didn't like being alone so I always had a boyfriend. I had some lovely boyfriends, but I don't think I necessarily needed to date them all. I think I just didn't want to be alone. That's one thing I've sorted out- finally separating "being alone" from "being single". Yes! (Side note: I think it's good to look back on realizations and epiphanies from the past. It's kind of a reminder that you have good ideas, and that you're always growing. Ya?)

So, in the midst of my NyQuil induced stupor I bring you this message: You're not actually alone. Don't worry; I didn't trick you into reading my blog to drop religion on you now. Wouldn't that be funny!! Haha! I just mean that, sometimes we're doing things that are so involved, or are physically alone, maybe because we're sick, or on a business trip, or alone in a new city (which is so scary, I've done it many times). Regardless, you feel lonely. Like I said, I'm real bad at being alone, but I'm working on it. When I'm lonely I try to get out of the house, or take a walk because then I see other people and stuff and dogs and kids and I feel a part of something. Sometimes I write people letters. Honestly, pretending helps me a lot, so, this will sound weird, but when I feel lonely I pretend I'm a famous writer who has to take a hiatus to the Swiss Alps to get away from it all....I'm serious. That helps me. 

In all honesty, being alone feels so definite, but it won't last forever. You'll be surrounded by friends, lovers, strangers and crazies again soon. So remember that, and do stuff now that you can't do when you're surrounded by people. Like talk to yourself and get naked. Or whatever makes you happy. I never talk to myself in the nude. That's insane :)

xo

Talk like no one is listening.

Do you talk to yourself? Good news! When children in the 3 to 5 age range talk to themselves, it's referred to as "self-talk", which I think sounds much less crazy than "talking to yourself". It is something that psychologists have observed in children who are in the beginning stages of developing their language skills, and apparently it's really beneficial. Self-talk helps kids form connections with others and connections between words and thoughts, in their minds. There's a lot more to it, but all I heard when I read this was "It is fine to talk to yourself, Alexis".

I talk to myself at home, SO MUCH. Sometimes I'm just explaining, out loud, how to follow a recipe, while cooking. It helps me. Sometimes, it is giving a very thorough and hilarious interview on "Ellen" discussing all of the amazing ways that I'm helping underprivileged children, and then I'm really cool and calm when she's all "hey, Ryan Gosling and the President are here to tell you how much they admire your work" and I'm all "wow, that's great, I'm honored". That is something that happens. Or an Oscar acceptance speech. Or a killer interview. Is it weird that I'm doing, crazed one-woman monologues in my kitchen while I make coffee? Or pretending that I'm making Morgan Freeman laugh super hard at my great jokes while I paint my nails?

Instead of feeling like a craze-o about this, I think it's good for me. Talking ideas out with someone is wonderful, but there's always a little hesitation, right? You inadvertanly will monitor yourself to some degree. Writing your feelings and thoughts down is great too, but for me, I can say what I'm thinking with more clarity than I can write it. So, perhaps self-talk is good for little kids in developing their communication skills, and it  helps us grown-ups sort out all of the conversations that are running around in our heads. Additionally, if you have really great responses to celebrity interviews that will probably never happen, this is a great opportunity.

Pro-tip: Need to talk to yourself, but don't live alone, and don't think your roommate/mate/dog cares to hear you ramble on? Fake phone convos, my friend. I have 'em all the time. Hold phone up to ear, and proceed to rant to yourself on the go. At the grocery store? Tell your ex why he sucks. On the train? Great time to practice telling the Academy how much you appreciate their support.

Note: Talking to other people is really good too. If you're sad and lonely, and talking to yourself feels sad and lonely, call someone who loves you. Or even someone who is moderately fond of you. Selfishly blather on, knowing that they have done the same thing at one point or another. Moral of the story is, you have things rattling around in that head of yours, and you've got to get them out there. So have a heart to heart with yourself. You're pretty fun to talk to.

xo

Oops.

So it's day 11 of the new year and I woke up, feeling outstanding. I had made it through a particularly annoying evening of cigarette cravings, and had arisen victorious. I met by boyfriend for coffee. Things were great. I was drinking my coffee, thinking about the day ahead...Oh no. The day ahead. I don't want to finish that project at work. And then tonight. It's Friday, and I'm not drinking? Or smoking? That's annoying. What am I going to do, take another 43 pictures of my dog, like I did last night. Ugh!! Also, why is my boyfriend not paying attention to me? Stop looking at your phone, dude! Am I boring? I think my face looks dumb today...This, my friends, is what the start of a melt down in my head sounds like. It sounds nuts, and it comes on as quickly as a strong wind, ripping through a peaceful afternoon picnic. Screw your picnic, I am on a warpath.
Feeling unhinged, having a meltdown, or, as some people call it, totally losing your shit and going cray, is never a good feeling. I find it to all too common when I am trying to reach a goal, such as quitting something I like, starting something I don't like, or attempting to change my attitude towards something. I'm cruising along, feeling like, yeah, things are alright and I am totally in control and then BOOM. No, I am not in control, yes, I feel like a coo-coo bird.
As I hate this feeling and how long it takes to build myself back up after this kind of loss of confidence/foothold on reality, I have decided to try something new. I will be coining it as the "Oops Method". Let me explain: When my sister was a baby, and learning to feed herself, she would drop her spoon on the floor quite often. Her fat little baby hands were not totally sure about the whole "grasp and hold on" technique of utensil usage.When she would drop her spoon, which was hopefully covered in nasty baby yams or peas, (sick!) we would say "Oops!" and hand it back to her. I mean, I think we washed it first? Over time, she started saying "Oops!" and then throwing her spoon on the floor. And then giggling hysterically, yams dribbling down her face. Cute. Either way, "oops" was a way to dismiss a behavior. We said it to let her know that, while you don't want to drop your spoon, it's OK, we're going to hand it back every time. She used it as a "Hey my people, I'm going to drop this spoon and you're not going to be mad, k?". A little misguided, but who cares. Babies aren't known for their smarts.
My point: I find that, after realizing that I have totally or partially lost my grip on my goals or have flipped my shit over something that may or may not matter, saying "oops" helps. It is a way to acknowledge that I've lost my cool a little, but that it's OK. I can pick it back up. No one's mad at me. I take a deep breath, take a minute, and start over.
This has been working for me. Today. So far. It's just an idea. It might not work for you, but when I find something that works for me, it seems selfish not to share it. So, have your meltdown, throw your spoons, and then pick them back up and stroll on.

xo

Sticking with my goal is boring me.

Beginnings are exciting. The start of a road trip, for example, is the best time. Home is in the rear view mirror and your destination is a perfect dream in your mind, just up ahead. The perfect road trip mix has just started, and you love every song. You take that first sip of coffee and smile at the open road. 

The start of a race, the start of your birthday party, the start of a test. That moment, just after you start, feeling beautiful and fresh. I want to talk about that feeling that comes right after the initial joy of starting something. That feeling where you realize that you are in it. You're in it, and it is no longer new. You're doing that thing you wanted to do. You started that blog you have always meant to start, and now, now you're stumped about what to write. You're 2 hours into your road trip and you are quite done with that Taylor Swift song you thought you loved (stop judging me), but maybe you just loved it ironically, and now quite literally hate it. The coffee is gone and you need to find a rest stop, pronto. The open road now looks daunting, and you start checking the map to see if there's a way to shorten this thing up. It's the part of the race where you wonder if this might be a good time to start walking. It is not a beautiful feeling, and it doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I hate that feeling.

I just started this whole "not drinking for a month" and "quitting smoking" and "working out and eating healthy" thing. I will tell you that, 8 days ago, at the beginning of this journey, in the midst of an epiphany about my mind/body connection, high on yoga and fresh air and deep breathing and tea drinking, I was so excited. I had actually started something I had been thinking about for forever. I felt so much clarity. That was 8 days ago. Today, I am sitting here with a sore back from a back bend that my bod was not quite ready for, and a strong desire for a cigarette and a healthy sized glass of red wine. Yum. 

That point in any goal where you've started doing it, but the excitement of doing it has warn off? That is a dangerous point, I think. What do you do? I'm not an expert here, just a 29 year old woman on a mission to make this year different and better than the ones before. So these are a few ideas I've come up, in the last few days, for sticking with my goals.
  

• Write that good stuff down. All of the good feelings you felt, even if they're sort of muted now that you're in the thick of it. There still in your mind somewhere. i.e. I feel strong when I workout, I feel more confident when I don't accidentally text my crappy ex late at night, etc. I read these when I'm feeling especially blah. It helps me, so maybe it will help you? Eh?

•  Don't beat yourself up. You screw up, it happens. Get back on the proverbial pony. Every day is a new day, thank GOD.

•  Rewards. I love, love LOVE presents. It is to the point where, if someone has, say, a stick of gum? If they start off with "I have a present for you", and then give me the gum, I am delighted. Even if you're not a selfish little present troll like me, you can apply the same concept. Tell yourself that if you stick to whatever goal you have for yourself, for, say, a week, then you will do something nice for yourself. Even if it's just drinking cocoa in a really hot shower . Anyone else do that? Or take yourself to lunch. For me, not drinking and smoking is really saving me a lot of money. In the future, saving that money would be great. For now, in the interest of motivating myself, I buy myself presents. New shirt looks better than a hangover. That's one of the "cool" new mantras I've made for myself.

So, if you're in the boring part of a goal, like me, hang in there kitten in a tree. It sucks, I know. But just think of how you felt before you started. Good for you for getting started. That's half the battle. The other half is actually staying in the battle, and if we're able to do that, we can pretty much take over the world. 

xo