Things I'm pretty sure about. Today.

I just don’t have anything to say today.

That was the thought I had this morning, while I was lying in bed, thinking about the things that today needed to include. Besides dragging myself to the gym, I had promised myself to post a piece of writing here every Wednesday. For myself, and because it makes me feel connected to you people (I think there are a few others besides my mom, right?) and connection feels good. This morning, though, I started feeling like there was nothing to share. I wasn’t feeling super inspired. I was feeling kind of negative, and anxious. What does this sleepy, anxious person have to say, that could possibly matter? Not the best way to start the day, right? So I took a deep breath, and let my thoughts break up a little bit, and scattered them around in an even and gentle way. I learned things this week. I made things and I saw things. I don’t think they connect, but let’s see:

Inspiration can be borrowed. This last week I have been so proud of my friends for what they are doing. My best girl started a beautiful blog that makes me want to go run around in the sunshine and drink coffee while wearing a stylish poncho, while saving the Earth, and really, who doesn’t want to feel that way?  Another friend of mine started this fantastic dog walking and sitting company and it’s going so well. Another friend finished a half-marathon, and I can’t decide if I’m more impressed with that or the way she supports her community through her work in radio. Instead of feeling jealous or feeling bad about what I’m doing, I just grab some of their enthusiasm, and inspiration, and let it feed into mine. Know what I mean? I use my friends for inspiration all of the time. Strangers work well for this too. 

Give yourself a break. I get cranky when I’m hungry. I started carrying a granola bar with me wherever I go. Feel bad that I suddenly turn into a small child who needs a nap/bottle/diaper change? Nope. If you know that Thing A makes you unhappy, what’s something you can do immediately to fix it? Should I work on my ability to persevere through hungry and be more patient? Sure. You don’t have to become a better person all at once though. Do little stuff.  

Find a thing you can throw yourself into when needed. Sometimes the mind is moving too fast to “calm down, take a deep breath, blah blah”. Sometimes you have to tear around like a wild animal, right? Anyone else? This weekend I discovered that I can put my anxiety and “oh my god I’m going to freak. out!", into psychotically cleaning my house. And painting any and all things with white paint. Picture frames, a ladder, it all has to get painted. Manic sounding? Maybe? But it works, and I felt better afterwards. I have to wear myself out sometimes. Warning, this WILL scare the person you live with, if you happen to be cohabitating. Just tell them, with huge, bugged out eyes “I HAVE TO DO THIS” and they will leave you alone.

So that’s it. That’s what I have. But I have it, and it’s mine, and that’s what’s so nice about learning things. When you learn, that knowledge is yours now, they're tools, and for that, you’re better off than you were before.

What did we all learn this week? Speak up in the comments!

* thanks to Foxtail + Moss, Home Treat Home and E3 Radio for letting me borrow some of your inspiration today. 

Hello, I am insecure, thanks for inviting me.

I was thinking today about all of the things that I try to get over or stop myself from getting mad about or accept that I don't like. I come up with plans and mantras that will allow me to get over it. Break ups and mistakes and fights and failures and that one thing you said at the party last weekend that was so damn embarrassing and now everyone you were trying to impress knows that you're just as insecure as you actually are. Gross.
These are things that get stuck in our brains like little splinters, and become insanely irritating. This happened to me lately. I got so upset about a situation, and since I don't like sitting around wallowing in my anger, I came up with plans to attack my insecurities head on. It didn't work. I went to a party and someone was there that made me very, very uncomfortable. I wanted to back slowly into the bathroom and flush myself down the toilet because I felt so uncomfortable. But that wasn't the plan! The plan was to be wildy secure in the knowledge that I am amazing and beautiful and that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is no one to lose your shit over, and no one there gives too much of a crap about me being there and that it would be over in a few short hours! Oh man, I was so  mentally prepared. Unfortunately, walking up the concrete steps to the party, I felt like I was walking into my first day of classes at a new school. I remember that day, in 5th grade, starting school in a new state, where I didn't have any friends, and my Midwest accent sounded about as out of place as I felt. That was almost 20 years ago though. I'm a woman now, damnit! I don't want to feel like a scared little kid. I did though. I wanted a giant bird to swoop me up in it's wings and fly me home. I honestly did. My imagination gets wild with I feel insecure. Hence the plan where I flush myself down the toilet.

The next day, after I got out of bed and ate cookies for breakfast because life is hard, I started thinking about the night before. And by thinking, I mean beating myself up. Ugh, I said stupid things!, I thought to myself. Crap, I must have looked so insecure. Who wants to be with someone who isn't confident in the face of stupid, horribly typical insecurities like ex-girlfriends?! Whyyyyyyyy....!!! (more cookie eating, more fist shaking at the heavens, more dramatic stomping around apartment, etc.)
OH WAIT. Everyone's insecure, and it's usually about the typical things. Right? I don't get insecure thinking about how I poach eggs, or how clean my toilet is. Musically speaking, my insecurities are not "that one band only three people have heard of, and they may just like it ironically". My insecurities are like, The Beatles. I get insecure when I feel fat or when I hear the name of a girl I don't like. I mean, basic shit over here. How we look, what we say, how we come across, how competent we are in comparison to other people, etc. Did I say stupid things? Well sure. I do that every day though, and I haven't lost any friends over it yet. Did I look insecure? Maybe. So what? I was insecure. Now people will know I'm not a robot. Insecurity is annoying to me, especially when I can't talk myself out of it. However, after this weekend, I realized a couple of things. Sometimes, you can't talk yourself out of an insecurity. Sometimes you just have to say "Holy shit, this makes me feel lame", but try to stop yourself right there, instead of spiraling into a full on freak out (I am working on this part. I freak out easily). You never look as bad as you think, you never sound as silly as you sound in your head, and most of the time, the people around you that don't love you and adore all of your sparkly little quirks, those people probably aren't paying attention to you.They have their own insecurities to worry about.

I could tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, and NONE OF THAT MATTERS unless you agree, at least a little bit. Give yourself some credit. You get up every day and talk to people and make it through a whole bunch of situations that only you are prepared to deal with. You're super great at being you and you look very yourself while you're doing it. That's beautiful. Go with that. Stomp right into a room of people who you think don't like you. Go in and talk to the boss who makes you feel stupid. Take the insecurities with you, but leave them just outside the door. You can pick them up on your way out if you want to, but you may be surprised to see that sometimes, they leave without you.

xoxoxoxoox Alexis