Home Alone

Anyone else got the flu? Dudes, this thing is so much fun, no? It's a little dangerous and edgy, because you're like, "I'm absolutely dying, but I'm just going to spend my last few hours of life in bed." Bad. Ass. I think I might have the flu, or I did, because I just slept, off and on, for about 24 hours. While I was alternating between fever nightmares and yelling things to my dog like "ohmygod will you please just snuggle with me right now what is wrong with you??", I realized something: I really, truly do not like being alone.

I have known this about myself for a while. I think it's important to ask, "Why don't I like being alone" and "What can I do about it", etc. Don't get me wrong, I like alone time, but I only need a few hours of it, every once and awhile. Maybe when I have kids I will read this and laugh and say "Oh you silly child, how little you knew", as my kid is chewing on my arm while I try to feed myself. For now though, I just don't need it too often. I am so inside my head on the train, at work, at night, while I'm in the shower, that the rest of the time, I don't necessarily want to be alone with my thoughts. Ya know? It's noisy in this here head!

When I was younger, maybe early 20s, I didn't like being alone so I always had a boyfriend. I had some lovely boyfriends, but I don't think I necessarily needed to date them all. I think I just didn't want to be alone. That's one thing I've sorted out- finally separating "being alone" from "being single". Yes! (Side note: I think it's good to look back on realizations and epiphanies from the past. It's kind of a reminder that you have good ideas, and that you're always growing. Ya?)

So, in the midst of my NyQuil induced stupor I bring you this message: You're not actually alone. Don't worry; I didn't trick you into reading my blog to drop religion on you now. Wouldn't that be funny!! Haha! I just mean that, sometimes we're doing things that are so involved, or are physically alone, maybe because we're sick, or on a business trip, or alone in a new city (which is so scary, I've done it many times). Regardless, you feel lonely. Like I said, I'm real bad at being alone, but I'm working on it. When I'm lonely I try to get out of the house, or take a walk because then I see other people and stuff and dogs and kids and I feel a part of something. Sometimes I write people letters. Honestly, pretending helps me a lot, so, this will sound weird, but when I feel lonely I pretend I'm a famous writer who has to take a hiatus to the Swiss Alps to get away from it all....I'm serious. That helps me. 

In all honesty, being alone feels so definite, but it won't last forever. You'll be surrounded by friends, lovers, strangers and crazies again soon. So remember that, and do stuff now that you can't do when you're surrounded by people. Like talk to yourself and get naked. Or whatever makes you happy. I never talk to myself in the nude. That's insane :)

xo