Things I'm pretty sure about. Today.

I just don’t have anything to say today.

That was the thought I had this morning, while I was lying in bed, thinking about the things that today needed to include. Besides dragging myself to the gym, I had promised myself to post a piece of writing here every Wednesday. For myself, and because it makes me feel connected to you people (I think there are a few others besides my mom, right?) and connection feels good. This morning, though, I started feeling like there was nothing to share. I wasn’t feeling super inspired. I was feeling kind of negative, and anxious. What does this sleepy, anxious person have to say, that could possibly matter? Not the best way to start the day, right? So I took a deep breath, and let my thoughts break up a little bit, and scattered them around in an even and gentle way. I learned things this week. I made things and I saw things. I don’t think they connect, but let’s see:

Inspiration can be borrowed. This last week I have been so proud of my friends for what they are doing. My best girl started a beautiful blog that makes me want to go run around in the sunshine and drink coffee while wearing a stylish poncho, while saving the Earth, and really, who doesn’t want to feel that way?  Another friend of mine started this fantastic dog walking and sitting company and it’s going so well. Another friend finished a half-marathon, and I can’t decide if I’m more impressed with that or the way she supports her community through her work in radio. Instead of feeling jealous or feeling bad about what I’m doing, I just grab some of their enthusiasm, and inspiration, and let it feed into mine. Know what I mean? I use my friends for inspiration all of the time. Strangers work well for this too. 

Give yourself a break. I get cranky when I’m hungry. I started carrying a granola bar with me wherever I go. Feel bad that I suddenly turn into a small child who needs a nap/bottle/diaper change? Nope. If you know that Thing A makes you unhappy, what’s something you can do immediately to fix it? Should I work on my ability to persevere through hungry and be more patient? Sure. You don’t have to become a better person all at once though. Do little stuff.  

Find a thing you can throw yourself into when needed. Sometimes the mind is moving too fast to “calm down, take a deep breath, blah blah”. Sometimes you have to tear around like a wild animal, right? Anyone else? This weekend I discovered that I can put my anxiety and “oh my god I’m going to freak. out!", into psychotically cleaning my house. And painting any and all things with white paint. Picture frames, a ladder, it all has to get painted. Manic sounding? Maybe? But it works, and I felt better afterwards. I have to wear myself out sometimes. Warning, this WILL scare the person you live with, if you happen to be cohabitating. Just tell them, with huge, bugged out eyes “I HAVE TO DO THIS” and they will leave you alone.

So that’s it. That’s what I have. But I have it, and it’s mine, and that’s what’s so nice about learning things. When you learn, that knowledge is yours now, they're tools, and for that, you’re better off than you were before.

What did we all learn this week? Speak up in the comments!

* thanks to Foxtail + Moss, Home Treat Home and E3 Radio for letting me borrow some of your inspiration today. 

Creative guilt, Part 2: You said WHAT?!

Wow. You are smart, readers. I posted a piece (blogged a post? wrote into the computer?) about creativity and how working in an uncreative field makes me feel like a failure sometimes, like I’m letting my true creative-self down. The main conclusion of my post, or my suggestion to me and anyone else who feels this pang of guilt, was to reject the idea that your job defines you, and to embrace the creative endeavors you want to embrace.

Decent ideas, sure, but when I read your responses I was just like “Oh…oh DANG!” because it turns out that a whole slew of people had a similar story, and the beautiful part was that everyone had a different perspective, which makes me feel like there is a conversation that needs to happen around this. Therefore, let’s chat. And by chat I do mean on the computer, in the comment boxes below. Let me give you some examples of what I’ve learned from you thus far:

Creative professionals feel creative guilt too.

Shocking, I know! A few brilliant and creative people who actually make a living on their creative know-how said that sometimes they feel guilty for creating work that’s “too commercial” or that by the end of the day, after putting their creative energy into making things for other people, they’re too drained by to think about creating something  personally.

Creativity needs to be welcomed into your life.

One reader suggested that we allow creativity “in the home of your day, make a little room for your creativity to live in. and then go in, visit, have some tea with it, dance around with it, yell as loud as you can out the window with it…” Thanks, poetic reader! I love this idea though, of welcoming creativity into your life and committing to let it stay. Knowing that you have invited this thing in, and to feel the pull that it creates, but to feel it in a peaceful way. Move into my spare bedroom, creativity.

Your job does not define you, but neither do your hobbies.

Someone made this comment and it really struck me. You don't need to be defined by anything. Your creative expression is this practice of curating your life in a way that you want. YES! You express your creativity through your style of clothing, or the way you make your lunch every day. Not huge things, but if you take a step back, it’s amazing. You, just as you are, being yourself, now and always. It’s this amazing work of art, honestly and you're the only one who can make it.

If I could sum up your responses so far, it’s that this whole creative guilt thing is a result of perspective. It’s so relative, and it’s something that we could probably turn into a positive thing instead.

What else? I would love, love, LOVE for you all to see each other’s ideas here. Honestly, the night after I posted the last piece, I was reading emails and comments from people and like, bouncing around the house because I felt like we were all on the same page. And isn’t that the best feeling, really?  So tell me what you do to bring creativity into your life, challenges you find, what you’re working on, etc. TELL ME ALL OF THE THINGS PLEASE.

xoxox

Alexis

Creative guilt v. cat scarves

Let's say there is a creative thing you’re drawn to like painting or making clay pots or knitting tiny scarves for cats. Let's say you're not doing this thing, or you're not doing it as much as you'd like, and that “not doing” is eating you up? You could call that creative guilt.

Feeling like you're letting your creative, dream-self down? It’s the pits, you guys.

I totally fight with myself on this all of the time, especially with my job.  It’s not fulfilling my desires to create beautiful things and collaborate with people on said things and help children learn or start a goat farm (those are my dreams, yes, what of it?).  Guess what desire it does fulfill? My desire to pay my rent and not worry about grocery shopping and to feel like a productive being.  Having been on the other side of this fulfillment, I can tell you, it can bring you down, man. Don't discount those basic desires. They're pretty fulfilling too.

Oh, but the creative guilt! It’s so mean.  I see friends who are making it in their chosen creative field and I feel like I failed.

Here’s a thought I had today, whilst attempting to leave the personal pity party I was attending: What about turning the guilt around and just admitting that we’re searching and hungry? Hungry to express ourselves, to talk to other people about whatever it is our art is, and feel like we belong in that conversation. There’s a lot of snobbery in the world of art and creativity I think, like your art isn’t art because it’s not something enough. Ugh. Shut up with that garbage.

 Or, if I spend 45 hours a week at an accounting firm, staring at a computer, and only 4 hours a week (or less) on wood working and doing an hour or two of writing, then I’m not an artist, or a writer, or a woodworker. I think that the challenge is not defining ourselves simply by what we’re doing most of the time. No, I’m not a professional wood worker. Why? Because my income does not come from woodworking, not because I suck at it. I do it though, right? And that's GOOD becuase if I stopped doing it because I felt like "oh, well I'm not legit, I don't commit myself to it 100% of time", then I wouldn't be doing it AT ALL.

I guess my point is that, I’m going to stop worrying that there’s this unfulfilled creative person living inside my corporate routine that hates me. I’m going to try to accept that I can be a person who isn’t defined by their job, and that attacking my free time with creativity sounds kind of scary yet amazing.  Honestly, go sing in the shower, write the words down when you get out, and head to work. Tomorrow, maybe you sing it again. Next weekend, you ask a friend to play the guitar while you sing it because why not? Just don’t stop. If you decide to dedicate your life to your creative practice then I am in full support and I think you’re fantastic, but it’s not like “quit your job and be creative” or “keep job, never be creative” are the only options for everyone.

Creativity is a journey, which is an overused word but I really like it. Creating art is a journey and it shouldn’t be another opportunity to tell yourself you can’t, because you have a boring office job or you’re too young or you’re too old. Just stop.

So lay off yourself and go figure out what it is you want. Make a birdhouse or write a play or sing songs about your dog or paint portraits of your friends.  Just make sure you do it. Shove a sock in the mouth of guilt and inadequacy and get on with it. Oh, and then please tell me what happened because I’m really excited just thinking about it.

I went into a meat coma and I was sad : Memorial Day.

I slept for 13 hours last night after eating a whole lot of meat on Memorial Day. I don't usually eat massive amounts of ribs because it kind of freaks me out, but I was going for it yesterday, and the results were coma inducing. Along with the meat coma, I felt really sad, and then I felt fat for eating like an animal, and then I got sad about my dog being at my parents house until July and then I felt dumb because I had overdrawn my checking account again, and before I knew it, I was under the covers, hiding from the world. Perhaps I needed to be alone, under the covers, recovering from a long weekend. Maybe I needed some alone time. But it felt more like hiding from a full out freak out. Sometimes, when I feel like that, I can't do those things that I tell myself I need to do when I'm freaking out. Take a walk! Draw! Write about it! Take a bubble bath! Bake bread! Those options came to mind, but taking off my pants and diving under my covers won, hands down. And I felt so bad about it when I woke up! I mean, 13 hours?! What the hell, lady?! I could have done so many things in those 13 hours. I mean, even 6 of those hours could have been used for things and I could have slept for the other 7. Blah. Also, during this moment of feeling like crap, I felt super lonely. And like I needed lots of hugs. But the weird thing is, when I woke up, I felt like it was good that I had been alone because maybe I just needed to be alone, half sleeping and half thinking and dreaming for a while. I have no clue why, or if my body just had a negative reaction to BBQ, but either way, the only option is to accept it. Maybe I wasted a bunch of time. But maybe I needed it. Either way, here we are, it's Tuesday, and I'm in the office, and I'm not in bed, and I am not feeling lonely as shit, and I have not eaten my weight in ribs today so it is a fresh start for things like feeling healthy and productive. I feel like I'm trying to deal with two things a lot lately: feeling anxious, or sad or frustrated and, and then not beating myself up about it. That's the harder part, I feel. Because then, you're feeling bad, and then you're making yourself feel bad for feeling that way. That's not very nice. So ok, I felt like shit yesterday, and I don't know why, but there's no reason to dwell on it. I'm working on figuring out why I feel like I do when I do, and the last thing I need to be doing is beating myself up over it. So instead,  maybe find someone to give you lots of hugs or embrace being alone and quiet for a little while. Or just borrow a friend's dog, because honestly you guys, they are so good at hugs, in my experience. Just don't be mean to yourself. We can't have that.
xoxoxoxo

You're good.

How's everyone feeling? Perfect? Beach body ready for the waves, feeling financially secure and prepared for your summer plans, travels, or, my favorite, the unexpected expenses that seem to appear during my favorite time of year (hello new air conditioner, I can't live with thee). Applying for a new job every night after work, after your workout, and before you fold all of your laundry neatly in your closet? So is that a no then? Dangit. Me neither.
As summer approaches, and I get ready to move in with my very lovely partner in crime, and go to weddings that have been in the works for months, and to head out on a few little trips here and there, I can't help but be a little disappointed. I was going to be in shape for these weddings I'm in and for the shorts I want to wear, and I was going to solve the mystery that is my wide array of insecurities before I move in with my boyfriend, and I was definitely going to have saved way more money than I have so far. For things like air conditioners and bridesmaids dresses. The thing is, though, that this is one summer. There will be a fall after that, and then it will be winter again. Each season, holding us accountable, and giving us a reason to feel like we're behind. I'm turning 30 in September. I thought I would be married by now. And have a kid or two. Or at least own a dresser and stop overdrafting my checking account. In the last week though, as I hear about people getting new jobs, losing jobs, getting married, breaking up, losing weight, gaining weight, falling in love, having babies, and dogs, and cars and cars breaking down, and parents getting sick, I realize that we're all in different places. No one has it all together. Listening to the conversations of people passing in the street, there's always someone who is in a situation that I couldn't imagine. Maybe they can't imagine mine. The point here is, I don't think this is a scavenger hunt, where we need all of the pieces to complete the puzzle. It's not a task. Yes, there are tasks, yes, goals are good. You know what I don't think is good though? Comparing yourself to other people. Looking down on people or looking down on yourself. You're where you are, and maybe it's not the best, but you've been through stuff before, and you survived, and you will survive again, exceed your own expectations maybe. I have trouble with this. I have yet to stop comparing myself to certain skinny girls for whom I have created a perfect life story to go along with their bodies. I feel better knowing that I'm aware of it. So I can kind of smack it in the face when it comes along. Not the skinny girl, my insecurities, silly! You can't dwell on what you're doing wrong all of the time. At some point, you need to really understand how good you are in the place you're in. It doesn't have to be where you are in a week or in a year, but it's still you now, and you're beautiful in all of your different stages, in one way or the other. Okay? I'm serious here. You're real good stuff.

xoxoxox Alexis

Annoying Zen stuff that seems to be helpful

I don't know what it is, but I have an aversion to things like tie-dyed pillows with jingle bell tassels that say "be here now". Or "be present" or "breathe". When I see them I get a bad taste in my mouth and I make ugly faces that you shouldn't make in public. I have no control of my facial expressions ever, in any situation.
Recently, I realized two things: one, I don't have to study Buddhism in it's entirety to learn something from it and two, everyone takes different things away from Buddhist ideas and mantras and that's fine. I was taking the "popularized Buddhism" and notions of a peace-loving free spirit and only seeing the most annoying, characterized iteration of it. Does that make sense? I wasn't marching around, all "down with the hippies" but I was kind of lumping what I thought Buddhism was, and perhaps how some "super Zen-like" people can be super pesky, how I really don't like Phish, into one big negative pile.
It was surprising to me when I came across the phrase "be here now" and it just hit me at the right time in the right place while I was looking for something to quiet my mind and help me let go of worry. No joke, I rolled my eyes, at myself, in the mirror. Multiple days in a row. "Hey, be here now, maaaaaan" was something I said to myself in a surfer dude voice. I was mocking myself? Yah. I was super uncomfortable with taking something seriously that I had scoffed at for so long. Once I stopped thinking that that phrase belongs on yarn art in a yoga studio (love yoga, not hatin!), I started bringing it to mind when I realized I wasn't being very present, aka, was worrying about the past or the future. Or freaking out. Or full-on losing my shit. All situations are applicable. So here's what happened:

1. I started to realize I was feeling anxious about the past or the future, immediate or far off.
2. I would say my little "be here now" mantra to myself.
3. I would look around and notice all of the things I liked about the present and what was around me.
4. Deep breaths, concentrating on the present, repeat.
5. Repeat as needed.

This has been really  helpful for the last week or so. I wouldn't say that this replaces professional help for things like depression, or will solve all of your problems, but it could be supplementary, right? I'm not entirely floating around in a bubble of happiness, but I feel a whole lot more peaceful. And peace feels nice.
xoxoxox
Alexis

Hello, I am insecure, thanks for inviting me.

I was thinking today about all of the things that I try to get over or stop myself from getting mad about or accept that I don't like. I come up with plans and mantras that will allow me to get over it. Break ups and mistakes and fights and failures and that one thing you said at the party last weekend that was so damn embarrassing and now everyone you were trying to impress knows that you're just as insecure as you actually are. Gross.
These are things that get stuck in our brains like little splinters, and become insanely irritating. This happened to me lately. I got so upset about a situation, and since I don't like sitting around wallowing in my anger, I came up with plans to attack my insecurities head on. It didn't work. I went to a party and someone was there that made me very, very uncomfortable. I wanted to back slowly into the bathroom and flush myself down the toilet because I felt so uncomfortable. But that wasn't the plan! The plan was to be wildy secure in the knowledge that I am amazing and beautiful and that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is no one to lose your shit over, and no one there gives too much of a crap about me being there and that it would be over in a few short hours! Oh man, I was so  mentally prepared. Unfortunately, walking up the concrete steps to the party, I felt like I was walking into my first day of classes at a new school. I remember that day, in 5th grade, starting school in a new state, where I didn't have any friends, and my Midwest accent sounded about as out of place as I felt. That was almost 20 years ago though. I'm a woman now, damnit! I don't want to feel like a scared little kid. I did though. I wanted a giant bird to swoop me up in it's wings and fly me home. I honestly did. My imagination gets wild with I feel insecure. Hence the plan where I flush myself down the toilet.

The next day, after I got out of bed and ate cookies for breakfast because life is hard, I started thinking about the night before. And by thinking, I mean beating myself up. Ugh, I said stupid things!, I thought to myself. Crap, I must have looked so insecure. Who wants to be with someone who isn't confident in the face of stupid, horribly typical insecurities like ex-girlfriends?! Whyyyyyyyy....!!! (more cookie eating, more fist shaking at the heavens, more dramatic stomping around apartment, etc.)
OH WAIT. Everyone's insecure, and it's usually about the typical things. Right? I don't get insecure thinking about how I poach eggs, or how clean my toilet is. Musically speaking, my insecurities are not "that one band only three people have heard of, and they may just like it ironically". My insecurities are like, The Beatles. I get insecure when I feel fat or when I hear the name of a girl I don't like. I mean, basic shit over here. How we look, what we say, how we come across, how competent we are in comparison to other people, etc. Did I say stupid things? Well sure. I do that every day though, and I haven't lost any friends over it yet. Did I look insecure? Maybe. So what? I was insecure. Now people will know I'm not a robot. Insecurity is annoying to me, especially when I can't talk myself out of it. However, after this weekend, I realized a couple of things. Sometimes, you can't talk yourself out of an insecurity. Sometimes you just have to say "Holy shit, this makes me feel lame", but try to stop yourself right there, instead of spiraling into a full on freak out (I am working on this part. I freak out easily). You never look as bad as you think, you never sound as silly as you sound in your head, and most of the time, the people around you that don't love you and adore all of your sparkly little quirks, those people probably aren't paying attention to you.They have their own insecurities to worry about.

I could tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, and NONE OF THAT MATTERS unless you agree, at least a little bit. Give yourself some credit. You get up every day and talk to people and make it through a whole bunch of situations that only you are prepared to deal with. You're super great at being you and you look very yourself while you're doing it. That's beautiful. Go with that. Stomp right into a room of people who you think don't like you. Go in and talk to the boss who makes you feel stupid. Take the insecurities with you, but leave them just outside the door. You can pick them up on your way out if you want to, but you may be surprised to see that sometimes, they leave without you.

xoxoxoxoox Alexis